Yes, we make choices on the activities our kids are engaged in. Yes, there are too many for many a reason (time, money, etc). But, with that said, I am humbled by all that I have learned about myself and kids through this part of our journey.
We are at the end of the baseball season. Even though this is our third season, I am still learning. The start of this season in particular began with tears. I am second guessing our decisions, which is silly, since they are way in the past. #1 doesn't like his picture to be taken, but values a good one when taken of an amazing play. How am I supposed to accomplish that? Neither kid likes to be endeared as "baby" which I still often call them. They also don't like "woohoo" in a motherly pitch to be hollered.
We decided that #1 & #2 would tryout for the leagues above them. Our intent was not for them to play in the tougher leagues, but to have the experience of the tryout process. Based on last year's league structure, very few kids actually "played up". Well, that was not the situation this year. We got our team assignments and unfortunately, hubby was out of town. Neither kid made it into the higher leagues. I was not surprised, until I heard that most of my guys' peers did make it. So, this year's league was a different animal. I had misjudged the dynamics. It turns out that with the SF Giants winning the World Series, everyone decided to play ball. This created a situation where lots of players needed to be pushed up into the higher leagues. I had just created the first of many disappointments with this process for my kids. In their eyes, they had failed where so many had succeeded.
#2 is uber-competitave. She plays in the boys' league. Our original agreed upon purpose was not to make it. She agreed but then the time came and she cried and protested. This was several days after we heard about #1's team placement. Each hour and day in between she would ask if I received her placement notice. Those were tough "no's". The anticipation created more tension. More and more peers had "made it" until she felt she was the only one in her grade who had not. She then set a condition saying, "If I don't make it, I'm not playing".
#1 heard his team placement right away. He was to be an older fish in a younger pond. The good news was he had friends and peers he knew on his team. Last year he did not know anyone on his team. So, this year, it was meaningful to have friends. He said he wouldn't play. The team he was drafted on was a different story. Last year this particular team did not have the best behavior when they played his team. It was on his list of teams he did not want to play on. The thing is, no one asks who you want to be with or which team you want to play on. Even though our intent was to not make the higher league, other coaches did not know this. I did not know that the lower league would not be present or know his stats because he was at the higher tryouts. In retrospect, this was probably a mistake. Should he have done both tryouts? Was this an option? I didn't have the answers then or even now for that matter, but knew the stress we were dealing with as a result of the choices.
What did we do? We reacted, and maybe overreacted. We cried, we talked and we made decisions at the parental level. In retrospect, we would have approached the pre-season differently. That being said, we survived and quite well I might say.
We told #2 that if she chose to not play this year, she would not be allowed to play next year. This was an opportunity to be a leader and improve her skills. One of the things we did right was to ask that she not be on a team with younger kids from her school. This is because the youngers were #3's peers and friends. That would have exacerbated the situation for sure. I am confident that this was good forethought on our part. It turns out she was not the only one her grade who was in her league. It also turned out that her entire team from last year, except for her, was drafted into the higher league by her coach from last year. This team, that had drafted her buddies, won 1 game this year. They had a tough season. The team she was on touted her as their best fielder. They won all or almost all (depending on who you ask) of their games (even though score is technically not kept). I am so thankful that she did not make the higher league. I am thankful she swallowed her pride and stuck with it. As amazing #2 is at almost everything she does, it is okay to not be the top of something and to take a ride to see what will happen. I am thankful for the situations we went through on this journey to have had the experience we did. She still wants to be a Major League ball player and this means her confidence is intact. She made new friends and received good coaching at all levels. She could also focus on her tae kwon do black-belt. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.
We explored our options for #1's situation. Even dad supported him in his impulse to not play. I couldn't imagine him not playing when all of his friends were ready to. His choices were to play on a team he didn't want to be on, ask to be traded or to not play. The risk in being traded would be that he might end up on a team where he had no friends. As good and experience last year's season turned out to be, I hadn't realized how stressful it was to not have friends on his team. Sure, he ended the season with friends, but how could I have missed the stress he carried from it? I e-mailed and talked with his coach discussing our concerns. In the end #1 chose to stick with the known quantity. We would have supported him with any of his choices (obviously).
Was playing baseball supposed to be this hard? His season had it's ups and downs and so did his attitude. In the end, his team had a decent playoff and a weak season prior to that. If you read my tae kwon do post, you'd know that attitude is an issue that permeates all facets of #1's life. I'm glad he knows what winning in this season feels like. He said he wouldn't trade the weak season for the great playoffs. Hopefully this learning of persistence can payoff will go with him in his future journeys. I am still waiting for the coach and teacher that can unlock his potential. For now, I'm happy he's happy and we're maintaining. I've learned he doesn't need me to tell him to get ready. He may not look ready, but it is not my job, nor does it motivate him to have me hollering "get ready" or "pay attention". When the ball is hit to him, he will do what he is capable of doing without my words. What he really wants is for me to see him do good. Whenever there is a good play, after the game, he'll ask "did you see that?" So, instead of worrying about things that are his coaches' jobs, I should just pay attention and enjoy the ride.
Going forward we will continue to learn these lessons of patience and persistence. They are not easy, but I suppose they are necessary. It feels good to cheer your kids on and to see them overcome stressful situations. It feels good to learn together as a family. The examples #1 and #2 worked through were great lessons for the youngers to learn from (if they were paying attention). If they missed the lesson, mom and dad will be there to remind them with love, understanding and probably a few tissues for the tears. Stay tuned, we're heading into the unchartered territory of competitive soccer for #2 and #3....
Showing posts with label activities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label activities. Show all posts
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Korean Bar Mitzvah
This post has been under construction in my brain for the last few weeks. Three weeks ago #1 and #2 cleared their pretest at their tae kwon do studio. This was not just any test, it was their black belt pretest. I have never been so anxious for my kids to do well. This was something they had been working towards for 5 and 4+ years respectively. When I say they, I really mean we. Extra sisters and I have been waiting and watching class upon class upon class. As the belt-rank increased, so did the time requirements and the class times shifted later and later. With this progression, our household bedtimes shifted later and later. It has been a true family commitment. We spend more time and money at tae kwon do than we do at our temple. Years ago I realized the benefits of starting this journey early. If my kids wanted to pursue their black belts, they would need to be young enough to not have major commitments in their way. Commitments like Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, school, other competitive sports, etc... Each year, as our contracts expired the kids have had a choice to continue or not. They have always chosen to move forward. Now, during several times, the quest to move forward stalled but never stopped completely.
I bet you are wondering what my point is here. Well, with the paper to test for black belt, the kids were assigned an essay topic. This had to be heartfelt and written without help. Their topics were specifically assigned. #1's was "attitude" and #2's was "patience". Both topics resonated with me. Please, please, let me contribute to their essays. What? This is their journey? Well, I'll just put my thoughts here then...
Patience. Uh-huh. Take a deep breath. I am not a very patient person. I have learned patience through our tae kwon do journey. Patience from sitting through multiple classes per day and week. Patience from seeing other kids pass my kids in belt advancement. Patience from things being done differently than I would do them. I have had to have patience with myself and kids in ways I would never have expected. Patience with those darn uniforms that never come clean. One little thing gets on them and it will never come out. Patience when #3's class time was not consecutive with #1 & #2's. Occupying my time and that of extra sisters'. Patience when #1 was not performing to his personal best. Oh, the torture. Lastly, patience to let this be their journey, not mine.
My guess is that the intent of "patience" being #2's topic was to take her time. She started tae kwon do 6 months after her brother. Within a few months, she caught up to him. On one or two occasions she even tested for the next belt before her brother. Her focus is unfazed. Her determination and teachability are both top notch. She needs patience to be the amazing girl she is without being too hard on herself. She needs patience with her brother to understand he is a different person and learner than she is. She needs patience with her mother to allow her to help. She needs patience with her little sisters; to remember she is one too.
Attitude. This is something I am so qualified to talk about. Oops, this probably isn't a good thing. There are different ways to look at attitude. It can be a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something. It is also defined as uncooperative behavior. I think I have a little bit of both. I have to be careful to keep my attitude in check and in my head. In a way, attitude is related to patience. Someone with a lack of patience can be seen as one with a bad attitude. How do you explain to a 6, 7, 8 etc.. year old that their attitude can impact so much? Others' perception of one's attitude has a lot of power. There are places we are held accountable. In life, no one has to give you grades or reviews. If there were grades or reviews in being a mom, I'm sure my attitude would be a factor.
"You only have one chance to make a first impression". This is true. I've seen #1 work for months to redeem his value to have it shattered in one afternoon by uncooperative behavior (aka a bad attitude). Yes, these are teachable moments, but so much of it is maturation. Until a child is able to comprehend the concept, it is so difficult to teach. Tae kwon do has been so good for my wiggly boy. His perception versus reality has always gotten in his way. This affects his self esteem and confidence. To see him advance in belts and stick with this to achieve his black belt has been amazing. There have been times when his attitude has gotten in his way and gotten him in trouble in class. He always felt this meant the teachers wanted him to drop out. Time and time again I'd try to explain to him that it really meant they believed in him. Really they saw more in him than he did himself. His potential and ability versus his performance is prevalent in school, religious school, soccer, baseball and tae kwon do. I am so hopeful that this achievement can serve as a tangible example of what he can do. That people are not out to get him. That his attitude is a frame of mind that can be tamed.
During the black belt test, Sensi was reminding the kids testing to breathe. Each time he said this, I noticed I was holding my breath. I wanted them to reach this goal to be proud of themselves. Each class prior to their test was an opportunity to learn, but it was also an opportunity for lack of patience or a bad attitude. The decision making was not in our control, but the performance was. We, as a family, made this last stretch a priority. I don't think I realized how much it affected me until their speeches were written. Yes, I had a sneak peek since I am the household editor-at-large. For once, tears I shed at bedtime were tears of joy and not sadness. Both #1 and #2 gave a glimpse inside their heads and hearts. #1 spoke of himself as a boy and looks to the future to becoming a teenager and going to college. #2 gave understanding perspective of herself and both school and home life.
My last thought on this is that I cannot imagine being any prouder. My heart soared as my kids reached this achievement. This was an amazing happy moment in life that I look forward to holding on to forever. I know there are more events in life for us to learn from, be proud of and be touched by. I'm happy to have patience and take them one at a time as they are earned and given to us.
I bet you are wondering what my point is here. Well, with the paper to test for black belt, the kids were assigned an essay topic. This had to be heartfelt and written without help. Their topics were specifically assigned. #1's was "attitude" and #2's was "patience". Both topics resonated with me. Please, please, let me contribute to their essays. What? This is their journey? Well, I'll just put my thoughts here then...
Patience. Uh-huh. Take a deep breath. I am not a very patient person. I have learned patience through our tae kwon do journey. Patience from sitting through multiple classes per day and week. Patience from seeing other kids pass my kids in belt advancement. Patience from things being done differently than I would do them. I have had to have patience with myself and kids in ways I would never have expected. Patience with those darn uniforms that never come clean. One little thing gets on them and it will never come out. Patience when #3's class time was not consecutive with #1 & #2's. Occupying my time and that of extra sisters'. Patience when #1 was not performing to his personal best. Oh, the torture. Lastly, patience to let this be their journey, not mine.
My guess is that the intent of "patience" being #2's topic was to take her time. She started tae kwon do 6 months after her brother. Within a few months, she caught up to him. On one or two occasions she even tested for the next belt before her brother. Her focus is unfazed. Her determination and teachability are both top notch. She needs patience to be the amazing girl she is without being too hard on herself. She needs patience with her brother to understand he is a different person and learner than she is. She needs patience with her mother to allow her to help. She needs patience with her little sisters; to remember she is one too.
Attitude. This is something I am so qualified to talk about. Oops, this probably isn't a good thing. There are different ways to look at attitude. It can be a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something. It is also defined as uncooperative behavior. I think I have a little bit of both. I have to be careful to keep my attitude in check and in my head. In a way, attitude is related to patience. Someone with a lack of patience can be seen as one with a bad attitude. How do you explain to a 6, 7, 8 etc.. year old that their attitude can impact so much? Others' perception of one's attitude has a lot of power. There are places we are held accountable. In life, no one has to give you grades or reviews. If there were grades or reviews in being a mom, I'm sure my attitude would be a factor.
"You only have one chance to make a first impression". This is true. I've seen #1 work for months to redeem his value to have it shattered in one afternoon by uncooperative behavior (aka a bad attitude). Yes, these are teachable moments, but so much of it is maturation. Until a child is able to comprehend the concept, it is so difficult to teach. Tae kwon do has been so good for my wiggly boy. His perception versus reality has always gotten in his way. This affects his self esteem and confidence. To see him advance in belts and stick with this to achieve his black belt has been amazing. There have been times when his attitude has gotten in his way and gotten him in trouble in class. He always felt this meant the teachers wanted him to drop out. Time and time again I'd try to explain to him that it really meant they believed in him. Really they saw more in him than he did himself. His potential and ability versus his performance is prevalent in school, religious school, soccer, baseball and tae kwon do. I am so hopeful that this achievement can serve as a tangible example of what he can do. That people are not out to get him. That his attitude is a frame of mind that can be tamed.
During the black belt test, Sensi was reminding the kids testing to breathe. Each time he said this, I noticed I was holding my breath. I wanted them to reach this goal to be proud of themselves. Each class prior to their test was an opportunity to learn, but it was also an opportunity for lack of patience or a bad attitude. The decision making was not in our control, but the performance was. We, as a family, made this last stretch a priority. I don't think I realized how much it affected me until their speeches were written. Yes, I had a sneak peek since I am the household editor-at-large. For once, tears I shed at bedtime were tears of joy and not sadness. Both #1 and #2 gave a glimpse inside their heads and hearts. #1 spoke of himself as a boy and looks to the future to becoming a teenager and going to college. #2 gave understanding perspective of herself and both school and home life.
My last thought on this is that I cannot imagine being any prouder. My heart soared as my kids reached this achievement. This was an amazing happy moment in life that I look forward to holding on to forever. I know there are more events in life for us to learn from, be proud of and be touched by. I'm happy to have patience and take them one at a time as they are earned and given to us.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mother's Day, schedule accordingly
Wow, it's been a while. Sorry. I've gotten lost in life. I'm resurfacing just days before the "all-important" Mother's Day Holiday.
Now, this probably will not shock you, especially if you read my previous post on Valentine's Day. I'm a scrooge with respect to certain holidays. I'm not totally sure where Mother's Day fits in. It's not my birthday, which is my favorite holiday. I really like my kids' and hubby's birthdays too. Thanksgiving, Passover and Hanukkah are up there. Mostly because they center around food. Even though I don't celebrate Easter, I like the holiday because of traditions we have with friends.
Regardless of how I feel about Mother's Day, I'm being asked to celebrate around the previously scheduled activities of my kids. Hmmm... I think I'm a mom because I have kids. Not totally sure how it all works, but I'm pretty sure about that. It's like celebrating a birthday because it is the anniversary of the day you were born. Oops, I'm digressing, back to the topic at hand. I've been asked (in e-mail) to send my kids to Sunday school and celebrate later. A coach of one of my kids asked for me (in an e-mail here too) to celebrate before or after practice. What these e-mails are saying to me is that yah, we know it's "your day", but it really isn't going to be any different from every other Sunday, or weekday for that matter.
Now, maybe some of you have lovely traditions. Maybe you have families that plan without your input or effort. That is not my experience with any holiday that my family celebrates. I love my family to pieces, but they are not planners. When I say family, I mean my husband. It's not that he doesn't care. He does. He'd do anything. He's chock full of ideas. The problem is that most of his ideas are things HE wants to do. It's really cute, but also annoying. It does come in handy for planning for HIS birthday, etc.
The kids are too young and are also casualties to the holidays where "mom should be taken care of". They aren't prompted ahead of time to create cards or have a plan on how to be nicer that day. This puts them into a panic on the day of and then they start giving me "little treasures" (aka junk) that symbolizes how much they love me. One of my kids actually gave me $1 on my birthday. If they're not scrambling to find me gifts at home, they're making me special gifts at school. In the 10 years I've been a mother, I've gotten ONE useful gift on Mother's Day. I'd much prefer a hug, kiss, day with no fighting, doing chores without asking and maybe someone cooking my favorite food for me. This has me reflecting back to trying to buy my mom nice gifts for Mother's Day. She was born in April, I'm sure she'd like an Aries Ram necklace to symbolize that. Ugh, sorry Mom. We tried.
Oops, I'm straying off topic again, sorry. Whatever we do will have to be done before 8:30 and between 1-5:30. We already have our tradition of donuts before Sunday School (which I cannot eat) and that's about it. Do I need more tradition? Nah. Then the pressure sets in on Monday. "What did you do/get, etc.. for Mother's Day?" Um, nothing? Isn't being the mother of 4 unique, healthy, amazing kids enough? It's like Mother's Day is every day.
I'm probably missing the point of this holiday. While you're busy explaining it to me, explain Father's Day too. A day where the kids shower the Dad with love and affection and the Dad gets to take time off from doing Sunday chores. How is that fair? It seems to be the "anti-Mother's Day" holiday instead of Father's Day. It's double the work on Mom who does everything during the week and 1/2 of everything on the weekends. Hmmm, maybe I'll start celebrating Father's Day.....
Now, this probably will not shock you, especially if you read my previous post on Valentine's Day. I'm a scrooge with respect to certain holidays. I'm not totally sure where Mother's Day fits in. It's not my birthday, which is my favorite holiday. I really like my kids' and hubby's birthdays too. Thanksgiving, Passover and Hanukkah are up there. Mostly because they center around food. Even though I don't celebrate Easter, I like the holiday because of traditions we have with friends.
Regardless of how I feel about Mother's Day, I'm being asked to celebrate around the previously scheduled activities of my kids. Hmmm... I think I'm a mom because I have kids. Not totally sure how it all works, but I'm pretty sure about that. It's like celebrating a birthday because it is the anniversary of the day you were born. Oops, I'm digressing, back to the topic at hand. I've been asked (in e-mail) to send my kids to Sunday school and celebrate later. A coach of one of my kids asked for me (in an e-mail here too) to celebrate before or after practice. What these e-mails are saying to me is that yah, we know it's "your day", but it really isn't going to be any different from every other Sunday, or weekday for that matter.
Now, maybe some of you have lovely traditions. Maybe you have families that plan without your input or effort. That is not my experience with any holiday that my family celebrates. I love my family to pieces, but they are not planners. When I say family, I mean my husband. It's not that he doesn't care. He does. He'd do anything. He's chock full of ideas. The problem is that most of his ideas are things HE wants to do. It's really cute, but also annoying. It does come in handy for planning for HIS birthday, etc.
The kids are too young and are also casualties to the holidays where "mom should be taken care of". They aren't prompted ahead of time to create cards or have a plan on how to be nicer that day. This puts them into a panic on the day of and then they start giving me "little treasures" (aka junk) that symbolizes how much they love me. One of my kids actually gave me $1 on my birthday. If they're not scrambling to find me gifts at home, they're making me special gifts at school. In the 10 years I've been a mother, I've gotten ONE useful gift on Mother's Day. I'd much prefer a hug, kiss, day with no fighting, doing chores without asking and maybe someone cooking my favorite food for me. This has me reflecting back to trying to buy my mom nice gifts for Mother's Day. She was born in April, I'm sure she'd like an Aries Ram necklace to symbolize that. Ugh, sorry Mom. We tried.
Oops, I'm straying off topic again, sorry. Whatever we do will have to be done before 8:30 and between 1-5:30. We already have our tradition of donuts before Sunday School (which I cannot eat) and that's about it. Do I need more tradition? Nah. Then the pressure sets in on Monday. "What did you do/get, etc.. for Mother's Day?" Um, nothing? Isn't being the mother of 4 unique, healthy, amazing kids enough? It's like Mother's Day is every day.
I'm probably missing the point of this holiday. While you're busy explaining it to me, explain Father's Day too. A day where the kids shower the Dad with love and affection and the Dad gets to take time off from doing Sunday chores. How is that fair? It seems to be the "anti-Mother's Day" holiday instead of Father's Day. It's double the work on Mom who does everything during the week and 1/2 of everything on the weekends. Hmmm, maybe I'll start celebrating Father's Day.....
Monday, February 21, 2011
what cookies have taught me
This weekend I chaperoned my 2 oldest girls selling cookies. This is our second year going through this process. Well, last year #2 was the only one selling and the process has changed a bit. This year, we hoard cookies in our garage and sell from our independent inventory. Last year we "pre-sold" and delivered later....but I digress...
What I noticed or learned from this weekend has been varied. I learned that #3 is a go getter. She was hawking her wares at school, handing me sticky notes after school for the orders she took. These were orders we filled and were paid in full within 24 hours. She also is good at taking feedback. After she tried to sell to her friends at taekwondo, I let her know that she has to start with the cost or sell to the parents. Her friends thought she was giving them something. Oops. But, she did not make that mistake again. She also honed her opening speech. And she walked and sold and walked and sold. She cautiously opened gates, checking for dogs. She knew I was at the sidewalk waiting to help if needed. Some gate latches were too high, but for the most part she persevered.
I have learned that #2 is consistent, yet not always predictable. #2 is apprehensive, but confident at the same time. She will not look adults, strangers or not, in the eye when she speaks to/or is spoken to. This is without regard for what she is doing. Last year, when she set out solo to sell, she let #3 come with her for moral support. This year she took #4 with her for support. She even let her brother help. She is competitive, but is sharing with her sister. They never share. She is also willing to let #3 go to the more challenging houses. The girls have worked out a deal to share prizes. Reminder, they never share. This is letting her good side shine and lessening her competitiveness.
I have learned that there are a lot of cookie sellers in our neighborhood. We don't want to encroach on other girls' business. #1 felt we should still "double knock". What I mean is even though every other house said someone else had been by, he thought we were quitting when we acquiesced. We rolled home due to darkness. The next day, the group gave up a trip to the city to sell again. #2 chose to do a quick sell and head to a play date knowing #3 would pick up the slack. That is pretty trusting when the combined sales will dictate both of their prizes. Smart girl. #1 rolled with us for over an hour. He went home when we were short on inventory to bring back more cases. Way more motivated than I ever expected. Especially when he has nothing to gain. It also seemed to be an opportunity for my group to see that following rules and etiquette has a place. They would be the first to complain if they had been wronged. Maybe they will remember this when they have a choice and I am not there to be the voice of reason.
This is also a lesson in not making assumptions. I learned that in college business and fashion merchandising classes. You never know who will buy what and how many. This is a great way for my kids to see this rule. The vendor at the farmers market may be our best customer. Even though these cookies are as far from local and organic as you can get. Ya' never know...
I have learned that our neighborhood is way bigger than I thought. Many more people have gated properties than I ever expected to see on our journey. Some properties are huge and there are even a few mansions among tiny cottages. There are a lot of dogs, many off leash. People are generous. Some donate change, others buy cookies to support the cute freckly girls at their door. People ask about the girls' favorites and let them do the math and bring them change. They are patient and kind, even if saying "no thank you". It is almost like trick or treating, but in the daylight. We see so much more. Their support is priceless. This is what makes us go out again. And grow.
Yes, my girls are doing this because they get stuff. But, this has been a great opportunity to hang out with all of them and see so many parts of their personalities and our neighborhood. I don't think they realize that they get more than "things" and I get stuff too. Our family is brought together by something I can't even eat.
What I noticed or learned from this weekend has been varied. I learned that #3 is a go getter. She was hawking her wares at school, handing me sticky notes after school for the orders she took. These were orders we filled and were paid in full within 24 hours. She also is good at taking feedback. After she tried to sell to her friends at taekwondo, I let her know that she has to start with the cost or sell to the parents. Her friends thought she was giving them something. Oops. But, she did not make that mistake again. She also honed her opening speech. And she walked and sold and walked and sold. She cautiously opened gates, checking for dogs. She knew I was at the sidewalk waiting to help if needed. Some gate latches were too high, but for the most part she persevered.
I have learned that #2 is consistent, yet not always predictable. #2 is apprehensive, but confident at the same time. She will not look adults, strangers or not, in the eye when she speaks to/or is spoken to. This is without regard for what she is doing. Last year, when she set out solo to sell, she let #3 come with her for moral support. This year she took #4 with her for support. She even let her brother help. She is competitive, but is sharing with her sister. They never share. She is also willing to let #3 go to the more challenging houses. The girls have worked out a deal to share prizes. Reminder, they never share. This is letting her good side shine and lessening her competitiveness.
I have learned that there are a lot of cookie sellers in our neighborhood. We don't want to encroach on other girls' business. #1 felt we should still "double knock". What I mean is even though every other house said someone else had been by, he thought we were quitting when we acquiesced. We rolled home due to darkness. The next day, the group gave up a trip to the city to sell again. #2 chose to do a quick sell and head to a play date knowing #3 would pick up the slack. That is pretty trusting when the combined sales will dictate both of their prizes. Smart girl. #1 rolled with us for over an hour. He went home when we were short on inventory to bring back more cases. Way more motivated than I ever expected. Especially when he has nothing to gain. It also seemed to be an opportunity for my group to see that following rules and etiquette has a place. They would be the first to complain if they had been wronged. Maybe they will remember this when they have a choice and I am not there to be the voice of reason.
This is also a lesson in not making assumptions. I learned that in college business and fashion merchandising classes. You never know who will buy what and how many. This is a great way for my kids to see this rule. The vendor at the farmers market may be our best customer. Even though these cookies are as far from local and organic as you can get. Ya' never know...
I have learned that our neighborhood is way bigger than I thought. Many more people have gated properties than I ever expected to see on our journey. Some properties are huge and there are even a few mansions among tiny cottages. There are a lot of dogs, many off leash. People are generous. Some donate change, others buy cookies to support the cute freckly girls at their door. People ask about the girls' favorites and let them do the math and bring them change. They are patient and kind, even if saying "no thank you". It is almost like trick or treating, but in the daylight. We see so much more. Their support is priceless. This is what makes us go out again. And grow.
Yes, my girls are doing this because they get stuff. But, this has been a great opportunity to hang out with all of them and see so many parts of their personalities and our neighborhood. I don't think they realize that they get more than "things" and I get stuff too. Our family is brought together by something I can't even eat.
Friday, February 4, 2011
When I grow up
The title of todays post could also have been "hurry up, slow down". I should remind you that I am not a very patient person. I hear my kids projecting their future and it makes me think, hope and wish. As a parent, my greatest wish is for my kids to be happy and secure. Some days I question how we'll get there. I wonder what paths they will choose and what will inspire them. I feel the need to expose them to as many choices and opportunities as possible without making us all poor and crazy. How and when do you find the inspiration if you don't try things? When will the the great opportunity happen? How does this work? I'm past 40 and am still figuring it out.
#1 wants to work in or own a donut shop among other things. Prior to that job, he thinks he'll work in one of the local frozen yogurt shops. He's also wanted to sing the "national anthem" at a Cubs' game and play football. His most significant wish is to be a University of Michigan Wolverine. We have no ties to Michigan or its schools. I'm supportive of all of his wishes and aspirations, except the football one (to be discussed later). He wants to go to Michigan and play football and wonders how he will do that if I won't let him play football. Go Blue and hopefully it will keep motivating #1 who hates school to trudge along. Dad thinks he'd make a good Lawyer. Don't tell #1 that that means law school and lots more tests. He's the one questioning why there's school and why if his days are spent at school do they make you take more work home (aka homework)? Life is unfair, but I hope he can find peace with the process because he's not even 1/2 way done with the school part. To be honest, I'd envisioned him going to Davis since he has always loved animals. Even longer than frozen yogurt and donuts. Maybe because it is closer to home than Michigan, but I'd be fine with either. He has amazing potential. What will inspire him? I can't wait to see.
#2 is hoping to play Major League Baseball. She'd like to be the first girl, but I think it might be easier if someone else paved the way before her. She's also expressed interest in being an artist and a teacher. She is inspirational in every sport she does. Part of it is because she's playing the boys' versions of the sports. Boys are usually just wigglier creatures than girls at that age. She's one of those girls who has very very good focus and memory. She does not get those traits from her mother. I've seen glimpses of entrepreneurialism in her. She's tried to think of businesses that can have a charitable component to them with a product that appeals to her peers. I hope she can find balance in the boys world and still fit in with the girls and be happy. I envisioned she'd go to Cal Poly. I think it's a good school and it's close to where we like to camp. Selfish and an unrealistic way to pick my kids' schools, I know. Remember, this was just conjecture a few years ago. I think maybe I'll keep her closer so her amazing memory can help me to remember all the stuff I tend to forget.
I see #3 going somewhere like Santa Cruz. She has such a gift for connecting with people and doing things that suit her outgoing spirit. I feel like Santa Cruz is a place with lots of personality, but not stuck up. That describes #3 too. She's already joined up with a friend and friend of that friend in a jewelry making business. Crafts always hold her attention, especially when she should be doing homework.
#4 is capable of anything. In her mind, she already knows how to do everything. She can fly helicopters, knows directions to everywhere and is willing to use her money to buy anything we need. She's been to college and can drive a car too. She's been doing homework for years, even though she is not in kindergarten yet. Her confidence is amazing. She, like #3 has a way of story telling and connecting with people. She's in charge of the house and her life and has been raising herself, her way all along. I'm just here for opening her back and tickling it and refilling her tea. She aspires to be a mom and have lots of babies. I just ask her to wait until she is done with college. I'd better be careful since in her imagination, she's been there and done that with respect to college.
I look to my future and wonder if there will be something momentous or inspirational to set an example for my kids. For now, I guess trying to be the best parent I can will have to be it.
#1 wants to work in or own a donut shop among other things. Prior to that job, he thinks he'll work in one of the local frozen yogurt shops. He's also wanted to sing the "national anthem" at a Cubs' game and play football. His most significant wish is to be a University of Michigan Wolverine. We have no ties to Michigan or its schools. I'm supportive of all of his wishes and aspirations, except the football one (to be discussed later). He wants to go to Michigan and play football and wonders how he will do that if I won't let him play football. Go Blue and hopefully it will keep motivating #1 who hates school to trudge along. Dad thinks he'd make a good Lawyer. Don't tell #1 that that means law school and lots more tests. He's the one questioning why there's school and why if his days are spent at school do they make you take more work home (aka homework)? Life is unfair, but I hope he can find peace with the process because he's not even 1/2 way done with the school part. To be honest, I'd envisioned him going to Davis since he has always loved animals. Even longer than frozen yogurt and donuts. Maybe because it is closer to home than Michigan, but I'd be fine with either. He has amazing potential. What will inspire him? I can't wait to see.
#2 is hoping to play Major League Baseball. She'd like to be the first girl, but I think it might be easier if someone else paved the way before her. She's also expressed interest in being an artist and a teacher. She is inspirational in every sport she does. Part of it is because she's playing the boys' versions of the sports. Boys are usually just wigglier creatures than girls at that age. She's one of those girls who has very very good focus and memory. She does not get those traits from her mother. I've seen glimpses of entrepreneurialism in her. She's tried to think of businesses that can have a charitable component to them with a product that appeals to her peers. I hope she can find balance in the boys world and still fit in with the girls and be happy. I envisioned she'd go to Cal Poly. I think it's a good school and it's close to where we like to camp. Selfish and an unrealistic way to pick my kids' schools, I know. Remember, this was just conjecture a few years ago. I think maybe I'll keep her closer so her amazing memory can help me to remember all the stuff I tend to forget.
I see #3 going somewhere like Santa Cruz. She has such a gift for connecting with people and doing things that suit her outgoing spirit. I feel like Santa Cruz is a place with lots of personality, but not stuck up. That describes #3 too. She's already joined up with a friend and friend of that friend in a jewelry making business. Crafts always hold her attention, especially when she should be doing homework.
#4 is capable of anything. In her mind, she already knows how to do everything. She can fly helicopters, knows directions to everywhere and is willing to use her money to buy anything we need. She's been to college and can drive a car too. She's been doing homework for years, even though she is not in kindergarten yet. Her confidence is amazing. She, like #3 has a way of story telling and connecting with people. She's in charge of the house and her life and has been raising herself, her way all along. I'm just here for opening her back and tickling it and refilling her tea. She aspires to be a mom and have lots of babies. I just ask her to wait until she is done with college. I'd better be careful since in her imagination, she's been there and done that with respect to college.
I look to my future and wonder if there will be something momentous or inspirational to set an example for my kids. For now, I guess trying to be the best parent I can will have to be it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hair of the Dogg
This post is on my brain. So much so that instead of starting my new regimen of going to bed early or when I'm tired, I'm writing it. Also because it relates to tomorrow night. Once again, I have made a parenting decision and am shocked at the negative feedback by friends to my choices. Let's be clear, I am not second guessing myself. I am seeing more how there are so many ways to look at every situation. Where I see an exciting opportunity, others may not agree. Even when those others are people I trust a lot.
I'll start by saying that I love music. I especially love live music. I went to my first concert in the 7th grade with a friend and her dad. The Kinks! What I remember most is how many times Ray Davies changed outfits, not the lyrics. The only time I obsessed about the lyrics was when it was the Violent Femmes singing "Add it up". Where I grew up, we had tons of opportunities for live music. For me, it was a mainstay. As I grew older, I still made sure to see shows that interested me. As a parent, I still see live shows. Things that I notice are that I like more intimate shows now or being close. Also, prices are soooo expensive. My recollection is that for $20 I could get a ticket for the show, and a t-shirt. But, that was almost 30 years ago. With prices of shows now, and festival styling, how would my kids ever get to see live music to the extent that they want to compared to how I did?
My mom would be happy to know that I don't like most of my kids' music choices. My oldest listens to a station that sounds like a morning shock show all the time. They do like some of my music, but prefer the new fangled stuff. When #1 was 8, before he jumped into the world of pop and hip-hop, I took him to "Not so silent night". It was a mix of bands that I swore if they ever played together again, I'd be there, regardless of the venue. It was at an arena and our friend's husband couldn't come. With an extra ticket, I felt that it would be a great way to let #1 see live music that we both enjoyed. At the time, his favorite band was the White Stripes and bands like the Killers, Deathcab for Cutie and Franz Ferdinand were of a similar fashion. What happened that night was interesting to me. He slept through one band and loved one that I didn't care for (not listed above). It also sparked the interest in live music.
So, since that night, when he hears on the radio that bands are coming to town, he begs to go. None of this music sounds good to me. Also since that night, #2 has been indoctrinated into live music. She got to see Jack Johnson at the Greek in Berkeley. A lovely venue and singer all in one. She would have never chosen it, but really had a nice time. I have also been heard saying that I will always see live music, even if it is a band I don't care for. This is not new. I took my then boyfriend, now husband, to Dire Straits. Yuck. But it was live and I still had fun.
Fast forward to now. Snoop Dogg is coming to the Fillmore. I have never seen a bad show at the Fillmore. It is a beautiful venue. I want my kids to appreciate where as much as who they are experiencing with music. The Fillmore is a great place for this. Snoop seems like a compromise. He's a bit old school and less ridiculous or transparent as current newbies. He has kids, is laid back and has some good beats. I think he's even been on Nickelodeon shows that my kids watch. It is an all ages show, so I got 3 tickets. #1, #2 and me. A friend would have joined us, but the show sold out. Tickets weren't cheap, but since it's a location I love and show I'd like to see, it should be worth it.
I have restricted music #1 wants to download based on lyrics. I don't care for Flo rida's lyrics and his redo of "Right Round". To be honest I haven't paid too much attention to the rest of lyrics since then. Until #1 had a homework assignment of an essay on a song of choice. He printed it out, blacked out the inappropriate stuff and went on his way. The next day I looked at the lyrics sitting on my computer screen (the boy never closes out his documents). Um, so not okay on the lyrics. The whole song would really have to be blacked out due to sexual content and innuendo. I guess I should be happy that all of the innuendo went over his head and he had no clue. When he got back from school I explained that the song couldn't be used due to sexual content. His reaction was "eeew". I'll take it for now, but see this as an opportunity to talk about these types of topics in the not so distant future.
When friends and such have heard I was taking the kids to see Snoop Dogg, most reactions were about the potential for the kids seeing "smoking". I think I'll be okay on that since their reaction to people who smoke is "don't they know they're going to die from that?" and "who was the Beatle who died from smoking?" My main objective was to have them keep their judgement to themselves to discuss after the show without pointing fingers. Then a good friend was so appalled with the idea. Not for the smoking, but for the content. It really caught me by surprise. Was I doing my kids a disservice exposing them to this? Weren't they already exposed to this? "Yes," he said, "but, not in person".
I still stand by my decision, but it has prompted me to obsess about the logistics. I know the kids can't stand for multiple hours at a time. My plan was to get there early and perch on a wall near the bar that I usually like to hang near. I'll remember the ear plugs. Hmm, with only one adult, how will the logistics of the restrooms work out? Seeing the show is one thing, but do I feel comfortable sending my boy to the restroom by himself? How do I wait for him without leaving #2 or lose our spots? Well, no bathroom breaks until after the show is my plan. Not really sure how it will work out. There is also a section upstairs with balcony seating. I have never been early enough for these seats. I guess we'll have to get there when the doors open and work it out. It's an adventure. One I hope we all enjoy.
The more I write, the more opportunity I see for open dialogue. My rule has always been that I will expose the kids to things we enjoy. If they abuse it, they will have restrictions. This has been in place for swearing, content and the like. With a 4 1/2 year old still amongst us, we all have to watch what we say/do. So far, they have handled the responsibility pretty well. Last year, I played hooky with #1. A day he planned for us. I asked him if he and his friends talked about girls. He said, "no way, we talk about swear words". I realized then that there is still room for interpretation and opportunity for discussion. I also realized that it may be the perfect time to discuss it since we all know it's in the future. I can't shield my kids from everything imaginable, but I can control the content we discuss. I see tomorrow as one of those opportunities.
p.s. Is $50 + t-shirt $ the new $20? That's crazy talk!
I'll start by saying that I love music. I especially love live music. I went to my first concert in the 7th grade with a friend and her dad. The Kinks! What I remember most is how many times Ray Davies changed outfits, not the lyrics. The only time I obsessed about the lyrics was when it was the Violent Femmes singing "Add it up". Where I grew up, we had tons of opportunities for live music. For me, it was a mainstay. As I grew older, I still made sure to see shows that interested me. As a parent, I still see live shows. Things that I notice are that I like more intimate shows now or being close. Also, prices are soooo expensive. My recollection is that for $20 I could get a ticket for the show, and a t-shirt. But, that was almost 30 years ago. With prices of shows now, and festival styling, how would my kids ever get to see live music to the extent that they want to compared to how I did?
My mom would be happy to know that I don't like most of my kids' music choices. My oldest listens to a station that sounds like a morning shock show all the time. They do like some of my music, but prefer the new fangled stuff. When #1 was 8, before he jumped into the world of pop and hip-hop, I took him to "Not so silent night". It was a mix of bands that I swore if they ever played together again, I'd be there, regardless of the venue. It was at an arena and our friend's husband couldn't come. With an extra ticket, I felt that it would be a great way to let #1 see live music that we both enjoyed. At the time, his favorite band was the White Stripes and bands like the Killers, Deathcab for Cutie and Franz Ferdinand were of a similar fashion. What happened that night was interesting to me. He slept through one band and loved one that I didn't care for (not listed above). It also sparked the interest in live music.
So, since that night, when he hears on the radio that bands are coming to town, he begs to go. None of this music sounds good to me. Also since that night, #2 has been indoctrinated into live music. She got to see Jack Johnson at the Greek in Berkeley. A lovely venue and singer all in one. She would have never chosen it, but really had a nice time. I have also been heard saying that I will always see live music, even if it is a band I don't care for. This is not new. I took my then boyfriend, now husband, to Dire Straits. Yuck. But it was live and I still had fun.
Fast forward to now. Snoop Dogg is coming to the Fillmore. I have never seen a bad show at the Fillmore. It is a beautiful venue. I want my kids to appreciate where as much as who they are experiencing with music. The Fillmore is a great place for this. Snoop seems like a compromise. He's a bit old school and less ridiculous or transparent as current newbies. He has kids, is laid back and has some good beats. I think he's even been on Nickelodeon shows that my kids watch. It is an all ages show, so I got 3 tickets. #1, #2 and me. A friend would have joined us, but the show sold out. Tickets weren't cheap, but since it's a location I love and show I'd like to see, it should be worth it.
I have restricted music #1 wants to download based on lyrics. I don't care for Flo rida's lyrics and his redo of "Right Round". To be honest I haven't paid too much attention to the rest of lyrics since then. Until #1 had a homework assignment of an essay on a song of choice. He printed it out, blacked out the inappropriate stuff and went on his way. The next day I looked at the lyrics sitting on my computer screen (the boy never closes out his documents). Um, so not okay on the lyrics. The whole song would really have to be blacked out due to sexual content and innuendo. I guess I should be happy that all of the innuendo went over his head and he had no clue. When he got back from school I explained that the song couldn't be used due to sexual content. His reaction was "eeew". I'll take it for now, but see this as an opportunity to talk about these types of topics in the not so distant future.
When friends and such have heard I was taking the kids to see Snoop Dogg, most reactions were about the potential for the kids seeing "smoking". I think I'll be okay on that since their reaction to people who smoke is "don't they know they're going to die from that?" and "who was the Beatle who died from smoking?" My main objective was to have them keep their judgement to themselves to discuss after the show without pointing fingers. Then a good friend was so appalled with the idea. Not for the smoking, but for the content. It really caught me by surprise. Was I doing my kids a disservice exposing them to this? Weren't they already exposed to this? "Yes," he said, "but, not in person".
I still stand by my decision, but it has prompted me to obsess about the logistics. I know the kids can't stand for multiple hours at a time. My plan was to get there early and perch on a wall near the bar that I usually like to hang near. I'll remember the ear plugs. Hmm, with only one adult, how will the logistics of the restrooms work out? Seeing the show is one thing, but do I feel comfortable sending my boy to the restroom by himself? How do I wait for him without leaving #2 or lose our spots? Well, no bathroom breaks until after the show is my plan. Not really sure how it will work out. There is also a section upstairs with balcony seating. I have never been early enough for these seats. I guess we'll have to get there when the doors open and work it out. It's an adventure. One I hope we all enjoy.
The more I write, the more opportunity I see for open dialogue. My rule has always been that I will expose the kids to things we enjoy. If they abuse it, they will have restrictions. This has been in place for swearing, content and the like. With a 4 1/2 year old still amongst us, we all have to watch what we say/do. So far, they have handled the responsibility pretty well. Last year, I played hooky with #1. A day he planned for us. I asked him if he and his friends talked about girls. He said, "no way, we talk about swear words". I realized then that there is still room for interpretation and opportunity for discussion. I also realized that it may be the perfect time to discuss it since we all know it's in the future. I can't shield my kids from everything imaginable, but I can control the content we discuss. I see tomorrow as one of those opportunities.
p.s. Is $50 + t-shirt $ the new $20? That's crazy talk!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2010 recap
All these recaps of last year pushed me to give you an update of some of my blog posts from last year..... Also, I've been wanting to revisit some of them with new statuses but am not savvy enough in blogging to post changes.
Bunks: We are all back to our own space. #1 in his own room and all 3 girls together. We disassembled #1's bunk bed into 2 single beds. We thought the illusion of the 2nd bed could double for the sofa request. No such luck. We're still looking for a solution for his room without being too and maintaining a creative flair. Each of the girls has gotten to personalize their bed with new linens, compliments of Grandma and Grandpa for Hanukkah. We're trying to accessorize to bring their choices together.
Sugar: We still have 1 gallon bags of "new" candy from Halloween in the freezer per child. #1 was motivated with M&Ms by his tutor and raw chocolate by his therapist. It's crazy how it makes his world go round and him so much more amenable. We have stopped allowing yogurt past after school snacks. With 20+ grams of sugar per serving, it was doing us a disservice. Now, fruit only after dinner. We still do donuts on Sundays before Sunday school. The go all sugared up, but then it's God's problem, right? The tough part is that Mom (I) am temporarily/possibly permanently gluten free. No donuts for me.
Schedules: We had #2 choose 2 of 3 seasonal sports to compliment the year-round taekwondo. Since she and her brother are within striking distance of their black belts, we wanted to focus only on it for a season. I am still torn with requests and interests of/by my children, friends and parents. Just today we were swayed into signing up for winter indoor soccer. My basic thought on this league is that it is expensive ($165-$190) for the short game only season. It's in small cramped gyms where it is hard to be a spectator. #3's dear friend and amazing coach pretty much begged and stalked us today to get us to sign up. Because we love her and him, we waffled and as soon as we can figure out how to get the late fee waived, will be signing up. Oh, the games are Sunday. Ugh, now we are paying for Sunday school and not going. Pfew, only 2 games have conflicts. Topic for the future is summer camp and camps in general....
Freedom: Not only did we let #1 go to practice twice a week with friends, but we are now having all 3 big kids come home by themselves 3+ times a week. The caveat is that #3 is always accompanied. #1 and #2 alternate who "has" to go with #3. We make sure in the morning that the wheels match up, meaning that if someone is on a bike, something similar in speed is with the partner. This plan has received concern based on situations in areas not our own. There have been abduction attempts near my folks, but I cannot let those deter my plan to give my kids some freedom. It is freedom that is not unplanned or unworried. There is no playing after school or on the way. I am home waiting 95% of the time. They do not have phones and can call from school before they head home if there is a problem. We have not had any problems. Future post is still going to be cell phones with kids.
Buckle up: #4 is now our only child in a booster seat. Funnily enough, when she is not in the car, #3 likes to sit in her booster. I guess it is always better when it is someone else's. #1 is now allowed to sit in the front seat for non-freeway trips. We've decided that the speed for these in town trips is low and the seatbelt isn't choking him.
Choices: Our same friends have had us over. Some others have asked us for help. Some Tuesdays I take 8 kids to school. Some other days, my neighbors take portions of my kids to school. We recently suspended our annual holiday party, but were able to pull-off a new year's chile-fest. Again, choices. #1 wants to go to sleep away, mucho expensive camp this summer. We are in conversations...no birthday party/present, etc... choices..
Health: A few runny noses, but no major illnesses. #1 is now taking vitamin D and all vitamins are self-serve on the table. #4 has to be monitored so she doesn't take too many, they're like candy to her. So, cod liver oil, sambucol (elderberry), vitamin D, a probiotic and enzyme are on the vitamin train. No flu shots and other than a suspected but negative case of whooping cough, we are healthy! We tried switching out gluten bread for non with a revolt. Now cinnamon bread is only for the weekends.....
Volunteering: Still a believer, still helping out in the class. On a bond oversight committee and working on neighborhood projects and saying no to everything else of the volunteer type.
Praise: I have been better, but not perfect. It's not easy to not react. It's not easy to connect without conflict. I keep trying to improve and communicate. It's all a mother can do, along with paying for therapy....
Gamey: No, Hanukkah did not warrant us an iPod touch for #3 or an x-box blah blah blah for #1. Boy have they been haranguing. I still don't see the benefit since we don't have time for the things we do have.
Charity: Same as before. Only cranky part was the in-class giving. Hanukkah was way early this year. We were done and gone with our in house part. 2 weeks later was the school portion. How crazy and time consuming. It all adds up. We ended up giving within the school to needy people we have never met, but couldn't give to people who have helped us throughout the year. We'll find a way for balance, somehow.
Piercing: I've heard we've inspired some friends to "let" their daughter get their ear pierced. Other friends have seen our place of choice and rejoiced. So far so good all of our recent piercings are healthy. We have slacked off on our cleaning regime. It's been a month, I feel like we're out of the danger zone. One more month to go and then we'll be hearing clamoring about more earrings. The girls are vying for some of my earrings. Uh-oh.
Planning: Oops, I forgot to look at the assignment packet that was given to #3 the week before break. Yikes, 3 big things due along with normal stuff, the first week back. Not a good mix with cranky kids who don't want to go back to school. We will find a way.
Bunks: We are all back to our own space. #1 in his own room and all 3 girls together. We disassembled #1's bunk bed into 2 single beds. We thought the illusion of the 2nd bed could double for the sofa request. No such luck. We're still looking for a solution for his room without being too and maintaining a creative flair. Each of the girls has gotten to personalize their bed with new linens, compliments of Grandma and Grandpa for Hanukkah. We're trying to accessorize to bring their choices together.
Sugar: We still have 1 gallon bags of "new" candy from Halloween in the freezer per child. #1 was motivated with M&Ms by his tutor and raw chocolate by his therapist. It's crazy how it makes his world go round and him so much more amenable. We have stopped allowing yogurt past after school snacks. With 20+ grams of sugar per serving, it was doing us a disservice. Now, fruit only after dinner. We still do donuts on Sundays before Sunday school. The go all sugared up, but then it's God's problem, right? The tough part is that Mom (I) am temporarily/possibly permanently gluten free. No donuts for me.
Schedules: We had #2 choose 2 of 3 seasonal sports to compliment the year-round taekwondo. Since she and her brother are within striking distance of their black belts, we wanted to focus only on it for a season. I am still torn with requests and interests of/by my children, friends and parents. Just today we were swayed into signing up for winter indoor soccer. My basic thought on this league is that it is expensive ($165-$190) for the short game only season. It's in small cramped gyms where it is hard to be a spectator. #3's dear friend and amazing coach pretty much begged and stalked us today to get us to sign up. Because we love her and him, we waffled and as soon as we can figure out how to get the late fee waived, will be signing up. Oh, the games are Sunday. Ugh, now we are paying for Sunday school and not going. Pfew, only 2 games have conflicts. Topic for the future is summer camp and camps in general....
Freedom: Not only did we let #1 go to practice twice a week with friends, but we are now having all 3 big kids come home by themselves 3+ times a week. The caveat is that #3 is always accompanied. #1 and #2 alternate who "has" to go with #3. We make sure in the morning that the wheels match up, meaning that if someone is on a bike, something similar in speed is with the partner. This plan has received concern based on situations in areas not our own. There have been abduction attempts near my folks, but I cannot let those deter my plan to give my kids some freedom. It is freedom that is not unplanned or unworried. There is no playing after school or on the way. I am home waiting 95% of the time. They do not have phones and can call from school before they head home if there is a problem. We have not had any problems. Future post is still going to be cell phones with kids.
Buckle up: #4 is now our only child in a booster seat. Funnily enough, when she is not in the car, #3 likes to sit in her booster. I guess it is always better when it is someone else's. #1 is now allowed to sit in the front seat for non-freeway trips. We've decided that the speed for these in town trips is low and the seatbelt isn't choking him.
Choices: Our same friends have had us over. Some others have asked us for help. Some Tuesdays I take 8 kids to school. Some other days, my neighbors take portions of my kids to school. We recently suspended our annual holiday party, but were able to pull-off a new year's chile-fest. Again, choices. #1 wants to go to sleep away, mucho expensive camp this summer. We are in conversations...no birthday party/present, etc... choices..
Health: A few runny noses, but no major illnesses. #1 is now taking vitamin D and all vitamins are self-serve on the table. #4 has to be monitored so she doesn't take too many, they're like candy to her. So, cod liver oil, sambucol (elderberry), vitamin D, a probiotic and enzyme are on the vitamin train. No flu shots and other than a suspected but negative case of whooping cough, we are healthy! We tried switching out gluten bread for non with a revolt. Now cinnamon bread is only for the weekends.....
Volunteering: Still a believer, still helping out in the class. On a bond oversight committee and working on neighborhood projects and saying no to everything else of the volunteer type.
Praise: I have been better, but not perfect. It's not easy to not react. It's not easy to connect without conflict. I keep trying to improve and communicate. It's all a mother can do, along with paying for therapy....
Gamey: No, Hanukkah did not warrant us an iPod touch for #3 or an x-box blah blah blah for #1. Boy have they been haranguing. I still don't see the benefit since we don't have time for the things we do have.
Charity: Same as before. Only cranky part was the in-class giving. Hanukkah was way early this year. We were done and gone with our in house part. 2 weeks later was the school portion. How crazy and time consuming. It all adds up. We ended up giving within the school to needy people we have never met, but couldn't give to people who have helped us throughout the year. We'll find a way for balance, somehow.
Piercing: I've heard we've inspired some friends to "let" their daughter get their ear pierced. Other friends have seen our place of choice and rejoiced. So far so good all of our recent piercings are healthy. We have slacked off on our cleaning regime. It's been a month, I feel like we're out of the danger zone. One more month to go and then we'll be hearing clamoring about more earrings. The girls are vying for some of my earrings. Uh-oh.
Planning: Oops, I forgot to look at the assignment packet that was given to #3 the week before break. Yikes, 3 big things due along with normal stuff, the first week back. Not a good mix with cranky kids who don't want to go back to school. We will find a way.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
gamey
Two weeks until Hanukkah and I am being besieged by my 10 year old for electronics. We are a household without hook-up-to-the-t.v. type of games. No X-box, Play Station (1, 2 or 3), Wii, not even Atari. Do my kids even need another distraction?
The kids only had use of an old ipod until #1 turned nine. Then he got an ipod touch. Prior to that there was no ds or any other game distractions. We decided to consider the ipod or ds, feeling the time was right. The ds seemed cool because it had lots of learning options. It also had lots of parts and was unlike anything we had before. So, the touch we went. This would enable him to have his own music sorts and games.
We followed that up with one for #2 when she turned eight. She's very thrifty and had saved enough cash to buy her own. She was ready. We're all under the same account, so can share games and music. #1 doesn't like to share.
#3 just turned seven. She wants one so bad. When she was in the hospital for over a week, I wanted one for her. We just shared my phone. So much so, she knows my password. I pass locked my phone so the kids couldn't just grab and go. Even though I have oodles of games, I still want control. Hmm, I wonder where #1 gets it. #3 is also working to increase her fluency in reading. She does not need another distraction.
All of my kids are t.v. zombies. If a screen is on, they are glued to it and cannot tear away. When they are allowed to play games on the computer, it is the same thing. When I let the little 2 play on my phone, I have to pry it away from them.
We have friends who have imposed school-year rules of no screens during the week. I wish we had that in place. We have a no t.v. during the week rule and no ipod before school or at the table rule. That's better than nothing I guess.
In polling friends, many sing the praises of the Wii. "It gives them coordination", "we use it as a family", "there are some educational components to it", and so on. I am not sure this is the type of "family time" we need. We should be doing more family reading, family board games and other activities. We already don't have enough time in the week to get our family things done.
I am very hesitant to add something for my kids to be relegated to the garage to use. On the other hand, if it's 2 or more people games, this could add to the kid bonding we are lacking. But what if only 2 people can play at a time? There are 4 kids in this house! What? There are games for 4? They require more parts that cost more money, but it can be done. Ugh.
Maybe we can survive with playing it at friends' houses for now. I just don't feel like we're ready for this. I'm also not sure I can handle the constant haranguing about it. Now on to deal with the requests for air-soft guns and a trip to Hawaii....
The kids only had use of an old ipod until #1 turned nine. Then he got an ipod touch. Prior to that there was no ds or any other game distractions. We decided to consider the ipod or ds, feeling the time was right. The ds seemed cool because it had lots of learning options. It also had lots of parts and was unlike anything we had before. So, the touch we went. This would enable him to have his own music sorts and games.
We followed that up with one for #2 when she turned eight. She's very thrifty and had saved enough cash to buy her own. She was ready. We're all under the same account, so can share games and music. #1 doesn't like to share.
#3 just turned seven. She wants one so bad. When she was in the hospital for over a week, I wanted one for her. We just shared my phone. So much so, she knows my password. I pass locked my phone so the kids couldn't just grab and go. Even though I have oodles of games, I still want control. Hmm, I wonder where #1 gets it. #3 is also working to increase her fluency in reading. She does not need another distraction.
All of my kids are t.v. zombies. If a screen is on, they are glued to it and cannot tear away. When they are allowed to play games on the computer, it is the same thing. When I let the little 2 play on my phone, I have to pry it away from them.
We have friends who have imposed school-year rules of no screens during the week. I wish we had that in place. We have a no t.v. during the week rule and no ipod before school or at the table rule. That's better than nothing I guess.
In polling friends, many sing the praises of the Wii. "It gives them coordination", "we use it as a family", "there are some educational components to it", and so on. I am not sure this is the type of "family time" we need. We should be doing more family reading, family board games and other activities. We already don't have enough time in the week to get our family things done.
I am very hesitant to add something for my kids to be relegated to the garage to use. On the other hand, if it's 2 or more people games, this could add to the kid bonding we are lacking. But what if only 2 people can play at a time? There are 4 kids in this house! What? There are games for 4? They require more parts that cost more money, but it can be done. Ugh.
Maybe we can survive with playing it at friends' houses for now. I just don't feel like we're ready for this. I'm also not sure I can handle the constant haranguing about it. Now on to deal with the requests for air-soft guns and a trip to Hawaii....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
How and choices
There is rarely a day that goes by that I am not asked how I do it all and seem so calm. As I mentioned in the schedules post, the calmness isn't in my head. I am a consummate planner. This is what makes my execution seem not so stressed. I plan and plan in my head. Ask my kids, I even yell. I wish I didn't, but I do.
Recently I joined a conversation. Rather, when I walked up and the conversation stopped. The ladies were speaking about how frazzled they are with 2 kids and all there is to do. They felt that they couldn't complain with me near because I have FOUR kids. I say, that that isn't fair. Everyone has the right to their perspective. I will not judge anyone based on how many or few kids they have and what they have scheduled. Well, I'll try not to, so continue on in your conversation. I want to know how others get it done too. I also am always looking for ways to help and be helped.
Not until a new friend invited my whole family over for dinner did I realize that other than family and family-like friends, no one has us over. People don't usually ask us for play-dates either. I think people are afraid of what it would look like if we reciprocated. Really I think people are afraid to ask us to help them because they think we are burdened with 4 kids. Well, here's the deal. One more kid, or four more for that matter, don't make that much of a difference. It actually helps sometimes because the kids have choices on who they can play with. I just keep the freezer stocked with popsicles and redirect when necessary. So, ask away. Also, ask us for help in carpooling or food or shopping or whatever you might think of. It's really our pleasure and helps us feel connected to our friends when we can help, plus I'm going there anyways.
Maybe someone can take my kid to a practice and I can take yours to a birthday party. There are so many ways to help and be helped. Yes, "it takes a village". There is no way I could do half of what I do if I didn't group together with like-parents. I rely on safety in numbers to get 2 of my kids to practices 3 times a week. I rely on carpooling to get my littlest one to her soccer. I pay for preschool to take my child so I can help in my other kids' classes. I rely on t.v. to entertain #4 when she is home and I have to get stuff done. I rely on her good nature in being the "schlepp-baby" running errands with me.
I know families that have two working parents and kids in school. I can't even imagine how that works. I worked up until I had 3 kids. None of them were in school yet and there were NO outside activities on the calendar. How does homework get done? What about dinner? What time does everyone go to bed? How do you get yourself together in the morning? I get to drop the kids off and come home and eat or do what needs to get done. When does the laundry happen? This all seems tougher to accomplish if you are not home. Yes, I'm home, and busy, but stuff gets done.
I know families that are being faced with childhood illnesses that I wish did not exist. I know they are asked "how do you do it?" "how do you be a parent and fight bureaucracy and stay fit for public consumption?" The answer is that they just do. What are their other options? Not have hope? Not go to doctor appointments? NO. Obviously that is ridiculous. I am sure there are days and times that they want Calgon to take them away. We all do, but they deserve it more than I do. Does this stop me from living my life? No. Does it make me feel guilty? No. It makes me take perspective and remember to give extra love and hugs to my kids. It makes me remember to love my choices that I have the opportunity to make.
Each one of us has a life that we have chosen or been given the opportunity to live and execute to the best of our ability. At the end of the day, we all do what we need to do to get by. What? My child needs therapy and tutoring? What? It is going to cost $300 a week that I already don't have? Well, guess what, we made it happen. There are usually choices. We may not like the choices, but they are there. Do I want to clean my own house? No, but I cut my cleaners back to every other week to help cover other expenses. Some people I know don't even have cleaners. "Gasp!" It's a luxury item they cannot afford at this time. I also cut out things that were helping me keep my sanity such as massages and acupuncture and shopping. Overall, my health may not benefit, but I am usually more stressed about money than stress itself. Again, it's a choice.
So, yes, sometimes we do not have a choice. But, there usually is a choice within that. Make it a good one and do the best you can. It's what I do. Oh yeah. Don't forget, I couldn't do it without help and help comes in all different colors, shapes and sizes.
Recently I joined a conversation. Rather, when I walked up and the conversation stopped. The ladies were speaking about how frazzled they are with 2 kids and all there is to do. They felt that they couldn't complain with me near because I have FOUR kids. I say, that that isn't fair. Everyone has the right to their perspective. I will not judge anyone based on how many or few kids they have and what they have scheduled. Well, I'll try not to, so continue on in your conversation. I want to know how others get it done too. I also am always looking for ways to help and be helped.
Not until a new friend invited my whole family over for dinner did I realize that other than family and family-like friends, no one has us over. People don't usually ask us for play-dates either. I think people are afraid of what it would look like if we reciprocated. Really I think people are afraid to ask us to help them because they think we are burdened with 4 kids. Well, here's the deal. One more kid, or four more for that matter, don't make that much of a difference. It actually helps sometimes because the kids have choices on who they can play with. I just keep the freezer stocked with popsicles and redirect when necessary. So, ask away. Also, ask us for help in carpooling or food or shopping or whatever you might think of. It's really our pleasure and helps us feel connected to our friends when we can help, plus I'm going there anyways.
Maybe someone can take my kid to a practice and I can take yours to a birthday party. There are so many ways to help and be helped. Yes, "it takes a village". There is no way I could do half of what I do if I didn't group together with like-parents. I rely on safety in numbers to get 2 of my kids to practices 3 times a week. I rely on carpooling to get my littlest one to her soccer. I pay for preschool to take my child so I can help in my other kids' classes. I rely on t.v. to entertain #4 when she is home and I have to get stuff done. I rely on her good nature in being the "schlepp-baby" running errands with me.
I know families that have two working parents and kids in school. I can't even imagine how that works. I worked up until I had 3 kids. None of them were in school yet and there were NO outside activities on the calendar. How does homework get done? What about dinner? What time does everyone go to bed? How do you get yourself together in the morning? I get to drop the kids off and come home and eat or do what needs to get done. When does the laundry happen? This all seems tougher to accomplish if you are not home. Yes, I'm home, and busy, but stuff gets done.
I know families that are being faced with childhood illnesses that I wish did not exist. I know they are asked "how do you do it?" "how do you be a parent and fight bureaucracy and stay fit for public consumption?" The answer is that they just do. What are their other options? Not have hope? Not go to doctor appointments? NO. Obviously that is ridiculous. I am sure there are days and times that they want Calgon to take them away. We all do, but they deserve it more than I do. Does this stop me from living my life? No. Does it make me feel guilty? No. It makes me take perspective and remember to give extra love and hugs to my kids. It makes me remember to love my choices that I have the opportunity to make.
Each one of us has a life that we have chosen or been given the opportunity to live and execute to the best of our ability. At the end of the day, we all do what we need to do to get by. What? My child needs therapy and tutoring? What? It is going to cost $300 a week that I already don't have? Well, guess what, we made it happen. There are usually choices. We may not like the choices, but they are there. Do I want to clean my own house? No, but I cut my cleaners back to every other week to help cover other expenses. Some people I know don't even have cleaners. "Gasp!" It's a luxury item they cannot afford at this time. I also cut out things that were helping me keep my sanity such as massages and acupuncture and shopping. Overall, my health may not benefit, but I am usually more stressed about money than stress itself. Again, it's a choice.
So, yes, sometimes we do not have a choice. But, there usually is a choice within that. Make it a good one and do the best you can. It's what I do. Oh yeah. Don't forget, I couldn't do it without help and help comes in all different colors, shapes and sizes.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Freedom
For me the word freedom means many different things. Yesterday was the first day all 4 of my kids were in school for this school year. I had the day to myself (I hadn't had one of those since last June). It was also my husband's last day of work at his old firm. Yesterday #1, in 5th grade, went to soccer practice with 8 friends and 1 mom, walking. Today I heard the plan that #3, my 2nd grader was to walk to practice with 2 friends and no adult (maybe with a 4th grade older sister). Am I ready for that much freedom?
I believe it depends on a child's maturity in how much freedom you give them. Or rather how comfortable I am with letting them go. #2 is very mature. I've felt comfortable leaving her at taekwondo since she was in 1st grade. The problem is that she's seen me be around for #1 most or all of his activities and she doesn't want to be on her own. If #1 is left on his own at taekwondo, he tends to get into trouble. Not so much when he's in class, but more when he isn't and is waiting. It seems the waiting makes him forget how to behave. He'll learn, right? I've had to learn that "hovering" in class doesn't make my kids behave more, it makes them more anxious. It takes away the power of their teacher to teach them if the kids are trying to please their parents the whole time.
My kids have gone to their taekwondo class without me a few times. It's right next to their school, so it's a route they are all comfortable with. We ride bikes, scooters, rip-sticks, etc... every day to school, so this isn't any different. But it is. Our neighbors go by themselves. I have seen both of their mothers franticly look for their kids who haven't returned home in time. Ugh, just when I thought I was ready to let them go on their own.
The same thing happened when I was just starting to let the bigger kids go ahead of me to and from school and "meet" me there. A story came out that a stranger approached a girl, the same age as #2. Why, every time I'm ready to take a step forward in independence for and from my kids do these situations arise? Turns out the story was made up. It did make me have the conversation with the kids about how and when to ask for help again, which isn't a bad thing. I try to not attach a story to the "conversation" because the kids will just want the details and won't listen to the message.
Another issue is that we let #1, in 4th grade ride with friends to practice last year on his own. Why is that an issue? They did great and were able to get there safely without a grown up. None of the kids even had a cell phone. At the time, I felt unsure that that was the correct way to proceed. I felt uncomfortable without a way to reach out and give a change of plans or check in as I would do if there was a grown up with them. Obviously, that was my issue and not his. The real issue is that now that he's tasted freedom, he wants more. Even though he is part of a group of kids, some of who's parents aren't quite there. It doesn't make sense to him that he got to go by himself last year and now has a parent with him this year. There are differences in these scenarios, this year the location is further and they have to walk versus last year they rode bikes in a smaller group. Regardless of the mode of transportation, he's more confident, and that's a good thing. He likes the freedom.
So, do I make the choice that is right for my kids as individuals, even though it's not the group's decision? Will I look like a bad parent if my child goes unsupervised? Is it even about me? There are a lot of "what ifs". I've been reading Free Range Kids blog for a while. I know the what ifs are there, but you shouldn't react to them for the most part. Making smart choices about their safety will get me further. Helmets when riding, seat belts in the car and supervised swimming are among my sticking points. I'm not sure that being with them en-route to practice is one of them.
I know what seems logical, what would be ideal, and what makes me anxious. These don't always line up. I also know I like freedom and like my kids liking it too. I have also found that if I am not at their class or practice that we have better discussions about it. The kids have to go into more detail to bring me up to speed. I like hearing from their perspective.
Some of the references above leads me to want to talk about cell phones, but I think I'll put that in a separate post in the future.
I believe it depends on a child's maturity in how much freedom you give them. Or rather how comfortable I am with letting them go. #2 is very mature. I've felt comfortable leaving her at taekwondo since she was in 1st grade. The problem is that she's seen me be around for #1 most or all of his activities and she doesn't want to be on her own. If #1 is left on his own at taekwondo, he tends to get into trouble. Not so much when he's in class, but more when he isn't and is waiting. It seems the waiting makes him forget how to behave. He'll learn, right? I've had to learn that "hovering" in class doesn't make my kids behave more, it makes them more anxious. It takes away the power of their teacher to teach them if the kids are trying to please their parents the whole time.
My kids have gone to their taekwondo class without me a few times. It's right next to their school, so it's a route they are all comfortable with. We ride bikes, scooters, rip-sticks, etc... every day to school, so this isn't any different. But it is. Our neighbors go by themselves. I have seen both of their mothers franticly look for their kids who haven't returned home in time. Ugh, just when I thought I was ready to let them go on their own.
The same thing happened when I was just starting to let the bigger kids go ahead of me to and from school and "meet" me there. A story came out that a stranger approached a girl, the same age as #2. Why, every time I'm ready to take a step forward in independence for and from my kids do these situations arise? Turns out the story was made up. It did make me have the conversation with the kids about how and when to ask for help again, which isn't a bad thing. I try to not attach a story to the "conversation" because the kids will just want the details and won't listen to the message.
Another issue is that we let #1, in 4th grade ride with friends to practice last year on his own. Why is that an issue? They did great and were able to get there safely without a grown up. None of the kids even had a cell phone. At the time, I felt unsure that that was the correct way to proceed. I felt uncomfortable without a way to reach out and give a change of plans or check in as I would do if there was a grown up with them. Obviously, that was my issue and not his. The real issue is that now that he's tasted freedom, he wants more. Even though he is part of a group of kids, some of who's parents aren't quite there. It doesn't make sense to him that he got to go by himself last year and now has a parent with him this year. There are differences in these scenarios, this year the location is further and they have to walk versus last year they rode bikes in a smaller group. Regardless of the mode of transportation, he's more confident, and that's a good thing. He likes the freedom.
So, do I make the choice that is right for my kids as individuals, even though it's not the group's decision? Will I look like a bad parent if my child goes unsupervised? Is it even about me? There are a lot of "what ifs". I've been reading Free Range Kids blog for a while. I know the what ifs are there, but you shouldn't react to them for the most part. Making smart choices about their safety will get me further. Helmets when riding, seat belts in the car and supervised swimming are among my sticking points. I'm not sure that being with them en-route to practice is one of them.
I know what seems logical, what would be ideal, and what makes me anxious. These don't always line up. I also know I like freedom and like my kids liking it too. I have also found that if I am not at their class or practice that we have better discussions about it. The kids have to go into more detail to bring me up to speed. I like hearing from their perspective.
Some of the references above leads me to want to talk about cell phones, but I think I'll put that in a separate post in the future.
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