play ball

Yes, we make choices on the activities our kids are engaged in.  Yes, there are too many for many a reason (time, money, etc).  But, with that said, I am humbled by all that I have learned about myself and kids through this part of our journey.

We are at the end of the baseball season.  Even though this is our third season, I am still learning.  The start of this season in particular began with tears.  I am second guessing our decisions, which is silly, since they are way in the past.    #1 doesn't like his picture to be taken, but values a good one when taken of an amazing play.  How am I supposed to accomplish that?  Neither kid likes to be endeared as "baby" which I still often call them.  They also don't like "woohoo" in a motherly pitch to be hollered.

We decided that #1 & #2 would tryout for the leagues above them.  Our intent was not for them to play in the tougher leagues, but to have the experience of the tryout process.  Based on last year's league structure, very few kids actually "played up".  Well, that was not the situation this year.  We got our team assignments and unfortunately, hubby was out of town.  Neither kid made it into the higher leagues.  I was not surprised, until I heard that most of my guys' peers did make it.  So, this year's league was a different animal.  I had misjudged the dynamics.  It turns out that with the SF Giants winning the World Series, everyone decided to play ball.  This created a situation where lots of players needed to be pushed up into the higher leagues.  I had just created the first of many disappointments with this process for my kids.  In their eyes, they had failed where so many had succeeded.

#2 is uber-competitave.  She plays in the boys' league.  Our original agreed upon purpose was not to make it.  She agreed but then the time came and she cried and protested.  This was several days after we heard about #1's team placement.  Each hour and day in between she would ask if I received her placement notice.  Those were tough "no's".  The anticipation created more tension.  More and more peers had "made it" until she felt she was the only one in her grade who had not.  She then set a condition saying, "If I don't make it, I'm not playing".

#1 heard his team placement right away.  He was to be an older fish in a younger pond.  The good news was he had friends and peers he knew on his team.  Last year he did not know anyone on his team.  So, this year, it was meaningful to have friends.  He said he wouldn't play.  The team he was drafted on was a different story.  Last year this particular team did not have the best behavior when they played his team.  It was on his list of teams he did not want to play on.  The thing is, no one asks who you want to be with or which team you want to play on.  Even though our intent was to not make the higher league, other coaches did not know this.  I did not know that the lower league would not be present or know his stats because he was at the higher tryouts.  In retrospect, this was probably a mistake.  Should he have done both tryouts?  Was this an option?  I didn't have the answers then or even now for that matter, but knew the stress we were dealing with as a result of the choices.

What did we do?  We reacted, and maybe overreacted.  We cried, we talked and we made decisions at the parental level.  In retrospect, we would have approached the pre-season differently.  That being said, we survived and quite well I might say.

We told #2 that if she chose to not play this year, she would not be allowed to play next year.  This was an opportunity to be a leader and improve her skills.  One of the things we did right was to ask that she not be on a team with younger kids from her school.  This is because the youngers were #3's peers and friends.  That would have exacerbated the situation for sure.  I am confident that this was good forethought on our part.  It turns out she was not the only one her grade who was in her league.  It also turned out that her entire team from last year, except for her, was drafted into the higher league by her coach from last year.  This team, that had drafted her buddies, won 1 game this year.  They had a tough season.  The team she was on touted her as their best fielder.  They won all or almost all (depending on who you ask) of their games (even though score is technically not kept).  I am so thankful that she did not make the higher league.  I am thankful she swallowed her pride and stuck with it.  As amazing #2 is at almost everything she does, it is okay to not be the top of something and to take a ride to see what will happen.  I am thankful for the situations we went through on this journey to have had the experience we did.  She still wants to be a Major League ball player and this means her confidence is intact.  She made new friends and received good coaching at all levels.  She could also focus on her tae kwon do black-belt.  Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

We explored our options for #1's situation.  Even dad supported him in his impulse to not play.  I couldn't imagine him not playing when all of his friends were ready to.  His choices were to play on a team he didn't want to be on, ask to be traded or to not play.  The risk in being traded would be that he might end up on a team where he had no friends.  As good and experience last year's season turned out to be, I hadn't realized how stressful it was to not have friends on his team.  Sure, he ended the season with friends, but how could I have missed the stress he carried from it?  I e-mailed and talked with his coach discussing our concerns.  In the end #1 chose to stick with the known quantity.  We would have supported him with any of his choices (obviously).

Was playing baseball supposed to be this hard?  His season had it's ups and downs and so did his attitude.  In the end, his team had a decent playoff and a weak season prior to that.  If you read my tae kwon do post, you'd know that attitude is an issue that permeates all facets of #1's life.  I'm glad he knows what winning in this season feels like.  He said he wouldn't trade the weak season for the great playoffs.  Hopefully this learning of persistence can payoff will go with him in his future journeys.  I am still waiting for the coach and teacher that can unlock his potential.  For now, I'm happy he's happy and we're maintaining.  I've learned he doesn't need me to tell him to get ready.  He may not look ready, but it is not my job, nor does it motivate him to have me hollering "get ready" or "pay attention".  When the ball is hit to him, he will do what he is capable of doing without my words.  What he really wants is for me to see him do good.  Whenever there is a good play, after the game, he'll ask "did you see that?"  So, instead of worrying about things that are his coaches' jobs, I should just pay attention and enjoy the ride.

Going forward we will continue to learn these lessons of patience and persistence.  They are not easy, but I suppose they are necessary.  It feels good to cheer your kids on and to see them overcome stressful situations.  It feels good to learn together as a family.  The examples #1 and #2 worked through were great lessons for the youngers to learn from (if they were paying attention).  If they missed the lesson, mom and dad will be there to remind them with love, understanding and probably a few tissues for the tears.  Stay tuned, we're heading into the unchartered territory of competitive soccer for #2 and #3....

Korean Bar Mitzvah

This post has been under construction in my brain for the last few weeks.  Three weeks ago #1 and #2 cleared their pretest at their tae kwon do studio.  This was not just any test, it was their black belt pretest.  I have never been so anxious for my kids to do well.  This was something they had been working towards for 5 and 4+ years respectively.  When I say they, I really mean we.  Extra sisters and I have been waiting and watching class upon class upon class.  As the belt-rank increased, so did the time requirements and the class times shifted later and later.  With this progression, our household bedtimes shifted later and later.  It has been a true family commitment.  We spend more time and money at tae kwon do than we do at our temple.  Years ago I realized the benefits of starting this journey early.  If my kids wanted to pursue their black belts, they would need to be young enough to not have major commitments in their way.  Commitments like Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, school, other competitive sports, etc...  Each year, as our contracts expired the kids have had a choice to continue or not.  They have always chosen to move forward.  Now, during several times, the quest to move forward stalled but never stopped completely.

I bet you are wondering what my point is here.  Well, with the paper to test for black belt, the kids were assigned an essay topic.  This had to be heartfelt and written without help.  Their topics were specifically assigned.  #1's was "attitude" and #2's was "patience".  Both topics resonated with me.  Please, please, let me contribute to their essays.  What?  This is their journey?  Well, I'll just put my thoughts here then...

Patience.  Uh-huh.  Take a deep breath.  I am not a very patient person.  I have learned patience through our tae kwon do journey.  Patience from sitting through multiple classes per day and week.  Patience from seeing other kids pass my kids in belt advancement.  Patience from things being done differently than I would do them.  I have had to have patience with myself and kids in ways I would never have expected.  Patience with those darn uniforms that never come clean.  One little thing gets on them and it will never come out.  Patience when #3's class time was not consecutive with #1 & #2's.  Occupying my time and that of extra sisters'.  Patience when #1 was not performing to his personal best.  Oh, the torture.  Lastly, patience to let this be their journey, not mine.

My guess is that the intent of "patience" being #2's topic was to take her time.  She started tae kwon do 6 months after her brother.  Within a few months, she caught up to him.  On one or two occasions she even tested for the next belt before her brother.  Her focus is unfazed.  Her determination and teachability are both top notch.  She needs patience to be the amazing girl she is without being too hard on herself.  She needs patience with her brother to understand he is a different person and learner than she is.  She needs patience with her mother to allow her to help.  She needs patience with her little sisters; to remember she is one too.

Attitude.  This is something I am so qualified to talk about.  Oops, this probably isn't a good thing.  There are different ways to look at attitude.  It can be a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something.  It is also defined as uncooperative  behavior.  I think I have a little bit of both.  I have to be careful to keep my attitude in check and in my head.  In a way, attitude is related to patience.  Someone with a lack of patience can be seen as one with a bad attitude.  How do you explain to a 6, 7, 8 etc.. year old that their attitude can impact so much?  Others' perception of one's attitude has a lot of power.  There are places we are held accountable.  In life, no one has to give you grades or reviews.  If there were grades or reviews in being a mom, I'm sure my attitude would be a factor.

"You only have one chance to make a first impression".  This is true.  I've seen #1 work for months to redeem his value to have it shattered in one afternoon by uncooperative behavior (aka a bad attitude).  Yes, these are teachable moments, but so much of it is maturation.  Until a child is able to comprehend the concept, it is so difficult to teach.  Tae kwon do has been so good for my wiggly boy.  His perception versus reality has always gotten in his way.  This affects his self esteem and confidence.  To see him advance in belts and stick with this to achieve his black belt has been amazing.  There have been times when his attitude has gotten in his way and gotten him in trouble in class.  He always felt this meant the teachers wanted him to drop out.  Time and time again I'd try to explain to him that it really meant they believed in him.  Really they saw more in him than he did himself.  His potential and ability versus his performance is prevalent in school, religious school, soccer, baseball and tae kwon do.  I am so hopeful that this achievement can serve as a tangible example of what he can do.  That people are not out to get him.  That his attitude is a frame of mind that can be tamed.

During the black belt test, Sensi was reminding the kids testing to breathe.  Each time he said this, I noticed I was holding my breath.  I wanted them to reach this goal to be proud of themselves.  Each class prior to their test was an opportunity to learn, but it was also an opportunity for lack of patience or a bad attitude.  The decision making was not in our control, but the performance was.  We, as a family, made this last stretch a priority.  I don't think I realized how much it affected me until their speeches were written.  Yes, I had a sneak peek since I am the household editor-at-large.  For once, tears I shed at bedtime were tears of joy and not sadness.  Both #1 and #2 gave a glimpse inside their heads and hearts.  #1 spoke of himself as a boy and looks to the future to becoming a teenager and going to college.  #2 gave understanding perspective of herself and both school and home life.

My last thought on this is that I cannot imagine being any prouder.  My heart soared as my kids reached this achievement.  This was an amazing happy moment in life that I look forward to holding on to forever.  I know there are more events in life for us to learn from, be proud of and be touched by.  I'm happy to have patience and take them one at a time as they are earned and given to us.

what cookies have taught me

This weekend I chaperoned my 2 oldest girls selling cookies.  This is our second year going through this process.  Well, last year #2 was the only one selling and the process has changed a bit.  This year, we hoard cookies in our garage and sell from our independent inventory.  Last year we "pre-sold" and delivered later....but I digress...

What I noticed or learned from this weekend has been varied.  I learned that #3 is a go getter.  She was hawking her wares at school, handing me sticky notes after school for the orders she took.  These were orders we filled and were paid in full within 24 hours.  She also is good at taking feedback.  After she tried to sell to her friends at taekwondo, I let her know that she has to start with the cost or sell to the parents.  Her friends thought she was giving them something.  Oops.  But, she did not make that mistake again.  She also honed her opening speech.  And she walked and sold and walked and sold.  She cautiously opened gates, checking for dogs.  She knew I was at the sidewalk waiting to help if needed.  Some gate latches were too high, but for the most part she persevered.

I have learned that #2 is consistent, yet not always predictable.  #2 is apprehensive, but confident at the same time.  She will not look adults, strangers or not, in the eye when she speaks to/or is spoken to.  This is without regard for what she is doing.  Last year, when she set out solo to sell, she let #3 come with her for moral support.  This year she took #4 with her for support.   She even let her brother help.  She is competitive, but is sharing with her sister.  They never share.  She is also willing to let #3 go to the more challenging houses.  The girls have worked out a deal to share prizes.  Reminder, they never share.  This is letting her good side shine and lessening her competitiveness.

I have learned that there are a lot of cookie sellers in our neighborhood.  We don't want to encroach on other girls' business.  #1 felt we should still "double knock".  What I mean is even though every other house said someone else had been by, he thought we were quitting when we acquiesced.  We rolled home due to darkness.  The next day, the group gave up a trip to the city to sell again.  #2 chose to do a quick sell and head to a play date knowing #3 would pick up the slack.  That is pretty trusting when the combined sales will dictate both of their prizes.  Smart girl.  #1 rolled with us for over an hour.  He went home when we were short on inventory to bring back more cases.  Way more motivated than I ever expected.  Especially when he has nothing to gain.  It also seemed to be an opportunity for my group to see that following rules and etiquette has a place.  They would be the first to complain if they had been wronged.  Maybe they will remember this when they have a choice and I am not there to be the voice of reason.

This is also a lesson in not making assumptions.  I learned that in college business and fashion merchandising classes.  You never know who will buy what and how many.  This is a great way for my kids to see this rule.  The vendor at the farmers market may be our best customer.  Even though these cookies are as far from local and organic as you can get.  Ya' never know...

I have learned that our neighborhood is way bigger than I thought.  Many more people have gated properties than I ever expected to see on our journey.  Some properties are huge and there are even a few mansions among tiny cottages.  There are a lot of dogs, many off leash.  People are generous.  Some donate change, others buy cookies to support the cute freckly girls at their door.  People ask about the girls' favorites and let them do the math and bring them change.  They are patient and kind, even if saying "no thank you".  It is almost like trick or treating, but in the daylight.  We see so much more.  Their support is priceless.  This is what makes us go out again.  And grow.

Yes, my girls are doing this because they get stuff.  But, this has been a great opportunity to hang out with all of them and see so many parts of their personalities and our neighborhood.  I don't think they realize that they get more than "things" and I get stuff too.  Our family is brought together by something I can't even eat.

I'm your mother

A few weeks ago we witnessed a boy speaking out in taekwondo class.  Sensei's response was that he was not the boy's friend or father and that he needed to show respect.  Last night, my son said to me, while imitating Sensei's tone, "I'm not your friend or father, I'm your mother."  He was joking at the time, but I know the mother he was referring to.  The one he has that bursts out yelling commands and demands.  If I don't want my kids to yell at each other, why do I yell at them?  When I don't yell, I talk and am accused of talking too much on subjects the kids want to go away.

I write about this because it makes me think.  We are not our kids' friends, but are their parents.  There is a difference.  I once read in a book (right now I can't remember which one) that you are not doing a good job if your kids aren't mad at you.  At the same time, I follow a lovely blog by an awesome pediatric doctor, Essential Parenting.  He encourages a wise and loving heart for parenting.  To be honest, I think both are right.  I have a hard time balancing between the two.

This past week, I was tired and cranky.  Hubby was out of town for 2 nights.  The kids were on a roll with not listening.  I had to ask several times for the mundane tasks of getting ready for bed or shoes on in the morning.  I had already lectured the kids in the car about how they needed to help mommy at home.  Everyone said okay.  Well, I'm sure you can guess, they weren't doing any better when we got home with their listening.  I managed to make dinner and the kids all got their homework done.  A few more reminders at dinner and during work time with promises of compliance going forward.  Ha ha ha.  Post dinner they needed to go potty and brush their teeth.  That's it.  I was clearing the kitchen and heard a ruckus.  All four of them were messing around in the girls' room.  Fighting, playing and plain not listening to my requests or demands.  "That's it!"  I screamed.  "All of your Halloween candy is going in the garbage!"  Their screams and cries of "Noooo!  Noooo!" followed.  #1 finally hopped into the long awaiting shower.  The rest sobbed in their beds and blamed others for their behavior.  "It's not fair," they complained.  I told them they were right since they had promised me something they couldn't deliver.  That wasn't fair.  I also ask them to show me with actions, not words.  I appreciate an apology, but only when the behavior is changed to I relish it.

Truth be told, I was looking for a way to reverse the hoarding of Halloween candy.  I had been threatening it's demise for weeks and finally had followed through.  With this, I stated that we would no longer save any candy.  If you got candy from school or a party, you were to eat it all in that day.  For Halloween, they will be allowed to eat themselves sick and have one night of gluttony during a movie night closely following Halloween.  Pfew, got that out of the way.  They seemed kind of excited in the challenge of eating everything when they got it.  But, I digress.....

The day after the great purge, I took a shower.  Upon getting out of the shower I noticed some words written in the mirror (another peeve of mine).  "I hate you."  Well, I guess I accomplished my kids not liking me by the looks of that statement.  #1 is 10 and I have a diary as proof that I felt the same way towards my mother for various reasons at about the exact same age.  Maybe I should buy him a diary so he doesn't mess up my mirrors.

So, which comes first?  A tired, cranky mom or kids who don't listen.  Chris has a point in Essential Parenting that we lead with our energy.  I guess my goal should be to get more sleep to be less cranky.  Then maybe my kids would listen without reminders?!